I’ve always believed in telling the truth, mainly because you always get caught out when you lie, or perhaps because I strive to be a good person. But we all lie don’t we? It’s like that terrible film with Ricky Gervais, ‘The Invention of Lying’, where no one can lie…. It really makes you realise how many little white lies you tell every day. For example, when people ask “How are you?” and you reply “I’m fine”, when really you’ve just broken up with someone & you’re an emotional mess. Or in my case you’re living every day literally in the shadow of death. Or the most dreaded question of the entire male population, when asked by their beloved – “Do I look fat?”
We all lie and we know it. But there are white lies and not so white lies. And, in my case, I’m the biggest liar I know. And that’s saying something, believe me!
What I really feel is that I don’t want to die. I want to grow old with Al. We’ve only had 2 wedding anniversaries and we’re so, so happy together. I want to go on more girly holidays with my mum where we glam up in maxis and drink fizz even if we’re just staying in. I want to make sure I can still be here to look after my Mum and Dad like they’ve looked after me. I want to still have fun with my friends. I want to travel the world and see things I’ve never seen before. And most of all I don’t want to hurt people by dying on them.
But all of these things aren’t ever going to happen and now I really know that. And it’s hard and devastatingly want-to-just-lie-in-a-heap-somewhere-and-sob awful. And yet I carry that around with me every day. Like a knee-buckling weight I can almost physically feel.
So there, that’s just a tiny, tiny insight into my truth. And I hope people reading this will make the most of things while they can. Because it’s truly indescribably awful to be where I am now. But I’m fine. Weirdly I am. I must even be lying to myself now too, mustn’t I? And obviously I’m a good liar because I believe I am fine.