I’ve always believed in telling the truth, mainly because you always get caught out when you lie, or perhaps because I strive to be a good person. But we all lie don’t we?  It’s like that terrible film with Ricky Gervais, ‘The Invention of Lying’, where no one can lie…. It really makes you realise how many little white lies you tell every day.  For example, when people ask “How are you?” and you reply “I’m fine”, when really you’ve just broken up with someone & you’re an emotional mess. Or in my case you’re living every day literally in the shadow of death.  Or the most dreaded question of the entire male population, when asked by their beloved – “Do I look fat?”

We all lie and we know it. But there are white lies and not so white lies. And, in my case, I’m the biggest liar I know. And that’s saying something, believe me!  

What I really feel is that I don’t want to die. I want to grow old with Al. We’ve only had 2 wedding anniversaries and we’re so, so happy together. I want to go on more girly holidays with my mum where we glam up in maxis and drink fizz even if we’re just staying in. I want to make sure I can still be here to look after my Mum and Dad like they’ve looked after me. I want to still have fun with my friends. I want to travel the world and see things I’ve never seen before. And most of all I don’t want to hurt people by dying on them.

But all of these things aren’t ever going to happen and now I really know that. And it’s hard and devastatingly want-to-just-lie-in-a-heap-somewhere-and-sob awful.  And yet I carry that around with me every day. Like a knee-buckling weight I can almost physically feel.

So there, that’s just a tiny, tiny insight into my truth. And I hope people reading this will make the most of things while they can. Because it’s truly indescribably awful to be where I am now. But I’m fine. Weirdly I am. I must even be lying to myself now too, mustn’t I? And obviously I’m a good liar because I believe I am fine.




  1. Karen Haston · · Reply

    Louise I have just read your posting. I can
    see you are teaching us little but important
    factors of our everyday life, and how to enjoy, not take for granted, and in general make the most of every minute as time is so precious. You have taught me a lot over the last few months, I now have little key words that are imbedded in my head, and tell myself to remember those words when I’m upset, angry etc… And as the saying goes ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’ springs to mind…. It sure really means DON’T, as no point, it gets you no other place! You blogg has been like that, making is realize that life is so important, don’t swear the small stuff and enjoy it! Big smile to you, your in my thoughts, and when I honk of you I smile. What an inspiration you are to others!!! Lots of hugs xxx Karen

  2. Outstanding post Louise. A really interesting insight and beautifully and movingly scribed. Mark

  3. Gemma Suttie · · Reply

    I think this one is by far the hardest of the blogs to read… because its the truth and sometimes the truth isn’t always easier. Sometimes it hard and painful, we do it to protect others and ourselves?

    Saying that… I’m still glad to have read it because they are your words. X x

  4. Louise K · · Reply

    Thanks Louise for telling it like it is.
    Louise K

  5. Louise Elliott · · Reply

    Lou – you are simply amazing!

  6. Claudia · · Reply

    I do agree that this is hard to read, but at the same time, let’s face it: you can’t be not feeling like sh…, you can’t be so self controlled and philosophical about your situation. You must be angry, scared also and sad, awfully sad for the loved ones you will leave behind with immense pain. It is so unfair that there is nothing you can do about it. You are helpless and we are helpless too. That is the truth and it is good to say it so there is no misunderstanding! And if it is difficult for us – readers – to read it, well we shall think about how YOU must feel… Xxxxx

  7. Pat Mackinnon · · Reply

    Speechless(for once!) thinking of you and sending you lots of love, Pat. Xxxx

  8. Hi Lou,

    I woke up this morning wondering how I was going to feel. I just broke up with my boyfriend feel upset for the past week. It all got the better of my yesterday – the break up, financial worries, my best friend emigrating. Then I went onto dailymail and read an article about your blog. Words can’t explain how moving and touching your story was. Your determination and wit throughout are so utterly inspiring. You’ve been dealt the worst cards, you’ve been battling for years, yet you still remain Louise page – the charismatic, beautiful woman that you are. You don’t need to worry about your family and friends not having you around – they have the wonderful memories of their Lou to cherish forever. You are a true inspiration to mankind and I wish you the best and the most wonderful memories for each cherished day. Please don’t change and continue to keep the faith. You are astounding.

  9. A true inspiration xx

  10. Reblogged this on Life in literature blog and commented:
    Amazing woman. Such an inspirational post.

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