Al’s said he’s noticed some changes in me this last week or so. Apparently I look a little bit paler, which I find hard to compute, as I’m pretty damn pale already. I must be like one of those trendy paint colours – “whiter than white”. He also thinks I look tired, which I’m happy to go along with, as it means I can stay in bed longer and fall asleep on the sofa whenever I like. And to be truthful he’s right, I just don’t want to admit it when I look in the mirror. Instead I just keep adding more blusher.
So it’s a scary thing to hear out loud that I look worse. In a way I’ve been going along day by day since December 21st, and weirdly thinking maybe I might see summer (though I’ll need to leave the country for that) or even autumn… So when reality bites I start to panic and remember I will die soon. And that’s a certainty. And so I have cried and I have broken down this last week. Because I don’t want to die.
But then I pull myself together again and I keep treasuring hours, days, weeks. And I have wonderful happy moments. And it makes me realize there are still things I need to do that I’ve been putting off, because they’re hard to do – letters for my parents, for Al. Notes to go with gifts (mostly handbags and jewellery, so bad luck boys!) I’d like to give some of my friends.
And they’re hard to write because I want people to know why I love them and why I’ve treasured having them in my life. So I need to do it now, before it’s too late. And I’ve dedicated tomorrow to do that (insert a knowing ironic laugh here).
And all this got me thinking, why do we wait till a disaster occurs before we say those heartfelt words to our loved ones? Why can’t we tell them all along not just that we love them but why we love them? And why can’t we all just appreciate we are alive and how lucky we all are?
I know I’m lucky. Seems like a weird thing to say given my reality. But I am and have been blessed. And I will always be thankful for that xxx