Reality bites

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Al’s said he’s noticed some changes in me this last week or so. Apparently I look a little bit paler, which I find hard to compute, as I’m pretty damn pale already.  I must be like one of those trendy paint colours – “whiter than white”.  He also thinks I look tired, which I’m happy to go along with, as it means I can stay in bed longer and fall asleep on the sofa whenever I like. And to be truthful he’s right, I just don’t want to admit it when I look in the mirror. Instead I just keep adding more blusher.

So it’s a scary thing to hear out loud that I look worse.  In a way I’ve been going along day by day since December 21st, and weirdly thinking maybe I might see summer (though I’ll need to leave the country for that) or even autumn… So when reality bites I start to panic and remember I will die soon.  And that’s a certainty.  And so I have cried and I have broken down this last week.  Because I don’t want to die.

But then I pull myself together again and I keep treasuring hours, days, weeks. And I have wonderful happy moments. And it makes me realize there are still things I need to do that I’ve been putting off, because they’re hard to do – letters for my parents, for Al.  Notes to go with gifts (mostly handbags and jewellery, so bad luck boys!) I’d like to give some of my friends.

And they’re hard to write because I want people to know why I love them and why I’ve treasured having them in my life.  So I need to do it now, before it’s too late.  And I’ve dedicated tomorrow to do that (insert a knowing ironic laugh here).

And all this got me thinking, why do we wait till a disaster occurs before we say those heartfelt words to our loved ones? Why can’t we tell them all along not just that we love them but why we love them?  And why can’t we all just appreciate we are alive and how lucky we all are?

I know I’m lucky.  Seems like a weird thing to say given my reality.  But I am and have been blessed.  And I will always be thankful for that xxx

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11 comments

  1. Nic Siegel · · Reply

    You’re a very strong women Louise. An inspiration. x

  2. What a powerful post… Sending warm thoughts your way…

  3. Karen Haston · · Reply

    Louise as usual I make so many mistakes when replying to your posting, so please excuse the above one that seems like I couldn’t spell your name! Seems like a bit of an emotional week for you… then I read a bit further on and you are as always very witty! I go from tears to smiles!!! When tired, the sofa is a great place to rest, and if your anything like me, my cat usually joins me and sits on my hip, shoulder or some odd part that suddenly starts to go numb! Cats sure pick their spots! Oh how we love our cats =^..^=

    My ‘inspired by Louise’ (not neded but wanted) purchases arrived last week…. New kitchen chairs… Lol! (-:

    Hope the coming weeks see’s you shine, it’s to be bright but cold, so if your sticking those sandles on, wear thick socks with them.

    Karen xox

  4. Louise,
    I don’t know you but we share a friend. I have myeloma, so I guess I have some understanding of the journey you’ve been on, though not of the place you are in now. I think your honesty is awesome. Thank you for writing. Spring arrived here today, I hope you get to wear your sandals.
    Alex

  5. Looooouise, lovely bittersweet writing and thoughts as usual. Before I met you, when I was about 16, my mother said, why don’t you go round today telling everyone you care about that you like them? I still remember the look of total astonishment on Michael Allott’s face as he stood at his front door. But I think he was pleased. It’s true: we should do it. See you soon x

  6. Hi Louise my friends wife passed away two weeks ago at 45 years old you remind me so much of kirsty the courage and determination to keep you’re spirit s up are truly an inspiration to us all kirsty arranged her own funeral from start to Finnish the music the hyms the lot we even found out through the week she had arranged for her daughters dress to be altered for her prom this June and an appointment to have her hair done where the two of you get you’re strength from is remarkable I hope I haven’t upset you by telling you this story I have never wrote on face book before x

  7. Firstly, Karen your reply made me laugh last week that’s the sort of misteak eye make and then hit the send button daily.

    Lou, Whilst I read every blog generally three or four times, through tears and laughter, I rarely seem to think of anything worthy to write, which is pathetic I know. Today however, you have made me realise we should make the most of every minute we have with the one’s we love and use our time to inspire our children, friends, people around us and people we have never met. You do this every day, and every day you do this I am so grateful.

    I am however a little disappointed that you don’t think I am worthy of a handbag. I will take this point up with you when we next speak. Love you both XX

  8. This is a wonderfully written post Lou. Inspiring and moving. Mark

  9. Every week I look for the next blog … slightly terrified that there won’t be one … I’m just glad you are still with us and hope so very much that you get a chance to wear the sandals .. big hug xx

  10. Millie · · Reply

    This is so lovely, read about your story today and felt very moved and inspired. You’re completely right, why does it take such a tragedy for us to realise how lucky we are and how much those special ones do mean to us. I’m going to try and take a new, fresh look on life from now on. I have every faith you will be wearing the sandals, best wishes for the future xxx

  11. I don’t know what to say.. no words seem to live up to what I want to say to you. I don’t know you or your family, but you’ve just made me want to hug random people in the street. Just makes me thankful for the tiniest things, tiniest moments in life.

    You have inspired me so much, and lifted a shadow that was hanging over me. I hope you’re resting now, free from any pain or suffering. Thank you for sharing your journey with us all x

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